Cold up here in Withering Heights!

Coming up to solstice/ Christmas time and it’s very cold out there. Too cold for me to venture out unless it’s absolutely urgent. Staying warm though inside with fleece blanket and fire on. Off to hospital today for them to have a look at my leg and toe wounds and off to GP’s tomorrow to see about an irregular heart beat that has come on over this past few days and the numbness and weakness on my right side that isn’t getting any better. This weakness, a result of a stroke, means I am having to learn my instruments all over again, and it’s been almost like having to start all over again at least where my right side is concerned, I am seeing some improvement though it’s slow going. Had some tests done recently and the good news is that my lungs are clearing up but the bad news it’s my weak heart that appears to be rendering me breathless. I still have a chronic chest infection though it’s much better than it was. Anyroad, enough about my health issues, what’s been happening around ‘Withering Heights’ these past few months? Moved some of my studio up to my bedroom as its too cold down in the studio at the mo. Been playing about with a few ideas mainly to try and get comfortable with the software, (Reaper). Still got an aversion to consulting the manual but I’m bodging my way around as usual. Getting the inspiration now to compose some tunes maybe of an ethnic folky Celtic kind, though my singing and playing are still quite weak, at least I can have a go at some demo’s and even if I never get to perform them at least having a go will keep my spirits up and improve my techniques.. Getting well into some research mainly about alt-history and the possibility of pre historic advanced civilisations, and the history and meaning of the Tarot cards. I’ve decided to focus on just a few things that interest me and go in more depth rather than reading all about the conspiracies and skulduggery going on in the big wide world. Another topic I want to focus on again soon is Tree Lore, all the concern about fungal infections of trees and the invasion of developments on green spaces is prompting me to learn some protective magic to try and do my bit. We lost a recent battle to developers wanting to build a golf resort around ancient local woodland but I notice the farmer renting the land has ploughed it ready for next year’s crop so there’s no rush there then! I suspect that the developers are having difficulty getting prospective clients interested in taking it on, such is the hair brained viability of the revised plans, and so we may be winning a little after all. One of our protest group has just made a calendar of the land and woodland under threat that we are selling for a local charity so we are still trying to increase local awareness, something that has been hard to influence up to now. I must confess to having watched X Factor for the past 17 weeks and I’m happy to note that the Great British Public ended up voting for the most creative artist, James Arthur. Unfortunately by winning he has tied himself to one of the most exploitative contracts ever devised, let’s see if he can wiggle his way out of that and get to a place where he can be free to express his own music, I suspect it may take some time though. I’ve decided to grow my hair long, mainly because it’s so bloody cold but also because I came across an old Native American legend that long hair increases one’s psychic awareness and I’m all for that! Been reading the Tao Te Ching before my morning meditation. So much good stuff in there. Today’s verses have to do with knowing where to stop, of letting go of old ways and embracing the new. This comes at a time when I appear to be reinventing myself and doing stuff that is close to my heart and less compromising. Saw a vid yesterday of an old Pastor of mine, Barry Killick who spoke on how hardship is designed to make your character grow in Christ Consciousness. Shame he didn’t make more of that idea rather that going off about the literal truth of ye olde bible and what have you. Lovely guy though despite that, and it only served to remind me why I got out of the fundie Christian scene all those years ago. Anyroad, enough for now, better get ready for my trip to the clinic... Bless you all who reached the end of this winter wrap! May you have a wonderful Yuletide and a blessed new year..

The Tao Tao'd is not the Tao

Major changes happening as I continue to slowly improve health wise. One of the main things is that I’ve given up on the idea of a book as such. I no longer have the urge for it and there are so many other creative things I want to do and it’s got everything to do with realising that ‘the Tao Tao’d is not the Tao’! In other words putting names and identities on one’s spiritual path has nothing to do with the path itself that must be walked rather than described. My literary output will now be confined to the less formal art of blogging, something I hope to be doing more of in the near future. Although my energy levels are still very limited I want to try and do more stuff rather than describe and teach it. ‘Those that can, do and those that can’t teach’ and all that malarkey. That being my intent from now on I want to focus more on my current state of brain and not spend too much time away from activities like composing and recording music, learning to play my instruments again since my stroke, my woodcraft business that hopefully will take off in the spring, learning the Tarot and Tree lore, meditating, gardening, and what have you. Over the past few weeks I’ve become seriously concerned with all this paedophile reports coming up in the media and how it appears to be contributing to the gagging of truth and our freedom to comment and criticise. I can’t understand for example why the BBC and ITV are having to pay compensation to a person they didn’t actually name in their programs though individuals connected with the shows did tweet his name, fair enough. My concerns are several; People are being tried, accused, and acquitted by the media before a true investigation is done. Attention is drawn towards the accused perpetrators rather than the victims, who I imagine have become somewhat intimidated by Establishment muscle seemingly at work, highlighting the dead and small fry entertainers and clergymen rather than some of the powerful political figures, very much alive, who have been named by many of the victims. Many ordinary Twits and Bloggers are now afraid to speak their minds on the web for fear of being sued and yet characters like David Icke continue to goad these establishment figures with very public accusations and no one dares to take him to court because he would seem to have so much info on them that it would definitely get messy! All this child abuse and litigation added to the upcoming Leveson report would appear to pose a real threat to any freedom that may be left in the Mainstream, lamestream, media that will probably result in even more of us getting our news from the alternative online media and making our minds up with that mess of info. Meanwhile young people continue to be sexually and violently exploited by people often protected by their elite status and also continue to be tried in secret courts and removed from their parents who may be drug addled, impoverished, and inadequate but who would nevertheless mostly kill to protect their offspring from exploitation by the elite. Children’s homes have been proved time and again to not be safe places for children yet the politicians continue to cry out for more ‘Looked after’ kids – why? Anyroad that’s enough of this rant for now. Just spent a wonderful week with my family and friends. My son Bill and his wife Jacquiline came over from Sweden where they are studying and my youngest son Tom came up from Plymouth for the weekend. Highlights include: Having a big meal out for the first time since my heart attack and stroke 7 months ago; being wheeled by Tom up Silverhill with the sun setting over the miles and miles of countryside at the top of the world; and spending a great day at the East Coast with the sun shining, chips to be had, and a hobble down the beach to watch Bill swim in the sea! Last night we had a major storm that has blown down the fence at the bottom of the garden, leaving us somewhat exposed at the back. Sun is shining again now but there is the promise of more wind and rain over the next few days. Only 4 weeks before the light nights start to return though and a few more before the first scent of spring arrives, let’s hope it’s a better year in 2013. Revd. Magic Sam Murray. Nov. 2012.

Holby City

My life is getting more like Holby City every minute..only 4 weeks out of Notts City hospital,(to the day!) and back in again at Mansfield Kings Mill Hospital (for the first time) with fluid on the chest and a chest infection. After a night in A&E I got moved to my own single room with en suite shower & toilet and great views over the town..last time I had that luxury was at the Hilton in Basel Switzerland back in the 1990's. Spent 8 days in altogether and thankfully they decided not to drain one of my lungs which they had been threatening to do but increased my diuretics and put me on super strength IV Anti-biotics and now a similar oral dose to take for 3 more weeks, then I guess we'll see. My chest is now much better with not so many coughing fits and more productive gubbins coming up. One of my post op wounds has now healed and the other wound has started granulating a bit for the first time, (the tissue nurse found a metal staple in there when she was cutting away the necrotic flesh!). Also the necrotic tissue on the ends of my my right big and second toe is gradually dropping off. Otherwise most of my other post op symptoms are clearing up well and although still quite breathless I can look after myself pretty well with the continued help of my long suffering sister Jo who shops for me and often cooks an evening meal for us.. Half way through the week met two auxillery staff that turned out to be ex class mates at my old secondary school. This is the first time in decades that I've contacted anyone from my school years and it was great to know that we can still have a laugh and interesting to find out what has happened to everyone. That really made my week the bulk of which I spent fleshing out a new book in my head and notebook. The book I've been working on for the past 8 years seems quite redundant after my near death experience... too tight and theological and not fun enough. I will be using some of the stuff from the old book so it certainly hasn't been all a waste and as the main purpose of it was to study in more depth and clarify my beliefs anyway. Post NDE I realise how simple it all is really and there's no need to complicate things with too much technical data and theological speculations. Just got a new book by David Byrne from 'Talking Heads' fame called 'How Music Works' based mainly on the realisation that set and setting, musical mediums, technology etc are crucially important to the enjoyment of music. This ties in with one of the topics in my new book that is dealing with the digital 80's. Hopefully I'll have some new writings on my updated website before long and I'm working on posting some new Mighty Doghead tracks up pretty soon so don't forget to visit and download anything you like. I am currently setting up a small studio in my bedroom as I figure the shed is going to be a bit too draughty for my chest over the winter and this and my writing/study and also my woodcarving business is keeping me plenty busy enough though I'm treading carefully and getting plenty of rest in between tasks basically cos I have too. Quite a few people have asked if they can visit me but I am having to limit the amount of people I can see as I get easily exhausted at the moment by social encounters. So please do not be offended if I say no to your requests. I really appreciate the level of support, prayers, and positive vibes you have all given me, I don't think I would be here writing this now without that to be truthful. Hopefully I'll get strong enough over the next few months to start participating once again in a fuller social life, though I must warn you that I am fully tea total and asexual these days so I don't know how much fun I'm going to be! Take care everyone and strive for pure consciousness. xx

And don’t speak too soon for the wheels still in spin. ( Bob Dylan, Times they are a changing).

Out for a week with my new stent and feeling great then I suffer my second heart attack, obviously overdoing it down in the shrubbery and this one’s a humdinger. I get a lift from a guy coming from the vets, paramedics arrive and I don’t remember much else for about 3 - 4 weeks. I am operated on in Nottingham City and spend 3 weeks in Glenfield hospital in Leicester on a life support machine known as an ‘ECMO’ for 2 of those weeks. I am taken to the land of the dead and spend much of the time traveling there oblivious to my life threatening status in what amounted to a Shamanic journeying. I spend the next 7 weeks in intensive care back in Nottingham before being transferred to a non critical ward. My recovery is slow. I lost the use of my legs, artificially fed, catheter, tracheotomy, wondering who I was for a good while. Still slowly I began to reach some sense of normality and got with the program in the end. I was in hospital for 16 weeks and I’ve been home now for three. Very grateful to be home and though I’m still pretty weak I’ve started to relearn guitar and even had a go on my drum kit today. I’ve been writing a fair bit and noticing small improvements when they arise. My sister Jo continues to be a rock and I have had visits from as far afield as Holland since I’ve been home. Next door have lent me a wheelchair and I’m always up for anyone taking me out even if it’s only down to the park as I get a bit cabin feverish being stuck at home all the time. Got plans to get my own cross country version and maybe even a Dalek mobility scooter so I can be more independent , we’ll see. Not sure what the future holds but I guess I’ve survived for a reason. It was really touch and go back there for awhile.

On Having a Heart Attack

It’s something I’ve dreaded all my life, my own father died from one when I was five, he probably would have lived had he access to the super technology that exists in the 21st century, but that was in 1957 and he didn’t stand much of a chance back then. More recently I found papers from the RAF where he had been discharged with a health condition that involved his heart so maybe it was a congenital disease. He was 33 years old and I doubted in my youth that I would live much past that age but I am now about 7 weeks away from my 60th birthday and the inevitable has finally happened - and I was surprised to discover that the whole affair wasn’t as bad as I had imagined or feared. (What do they say – ‘the fearful die a thousand deaths’) Looking back there were several signs, but I put them down to other ailments like my slightly stiff and swollen ankles I thought may be a part of the sciatica I had been suffering for the past few months. The occasion single stabbing punch I felt in my sternum from time to time was followed by a bout of burping and distended stomach that lead me to think it was some indigestion issue. And not feeling as fit as I used to this past few months that I thought could have been related to having left my job in Holland as a ‘Postboder’, (or postal worker) 18 months ago, as I was no longer walking and cycling 3 or four hours a day several times a week. It started with a few bouts of heartburn that had grown serious enough to buy some antacids on the Wednesday. On Thursday I decided a long overdue bike ride through nearby Sherwood Forest was in order, but almost immediately I experienced severe heartburn and I was cursing myself for not bring my antacids along. I abandoned my ride as I developed a puncture anyway and I was quite exhausted when I made it back. Once I’d chilled out I was able to pack ready for an early start to fly over to Frankfurt for a couple of gigs over the weekend. The heartburn continued throughout Friday and the various antacids I had resorted to didn’t seem have any effect. I had lost my appetite and my stomach continued to bloat and I only ate a little food and drink just to keep my energy levels up so I could set up, do the sound check, and get through the performance. As a regular drinker of alcohol I managed to force some whiskey down me after the gig just to get some of my daily dose and so I could sleep well which I did. It was uncomfortable to swallow but didn’t seem to make matters much worse, in fact I felt a bit better in myself overall! Saturday I awoke with the same relentless heartburn but I was learning that if I used my years of meditation practice I could put myself in a trance state that lessened the symptoms somewhat. However on the ride over to the next gig I started having a severe attack and so bad that I didn’t know where to put myself and eventually I felt so nauseous that I stopped the bus and tried to wretch several times but nothing would come up. On reaching the venue I sat for half an hour or so in trance and I was able to manage with some discomfort to do the gig that night where we actually got a standing ovation... What a trooper I am, even though I say so myself. The show must go on and all that! But the truth is I could have croaked at any time... At the end of that evening I decided that I needed to stop drinking and adopt a diet that was going to help control the heartburn maybe it would take a little time but I was sure I could get sort it out in the end. Sunday I was feeling much the same and as we flew back to England I wasn’t feeling very good at all - cold sweats, intense pain in both the chest and back etc. And after a long car, bus, and taxi drive back home I was relieved to be in my own bed but the relief didn’t last long and I awoke several times in the night and had a particularly bad attack including severe and continuous backache and more cold sweats in the early hours of Monday morning. When I got up I drank some chamomile tea and ate a little cooked rice hoping this would help the heartburn but it didn’t. I decided now that I had internet access again I would do some research. I was also still getting cold sweats and I had another unproductive vomiting session. Maybe my oesophagus had been damaged or I was suffering from some stomach infection and then at the bottom of a Heartburn webpage I saw a line ‘Heartburn can also be a symptom of a heart attack’! Following the link I was surprised to find I was rapidly ticking off all the boxes on the heart attack page and so I thought I ought to phone 999 just in case. The paramedic arrived very quickly with all his machines, and gave me aspirins and an under the tongue spray before doing an ECG. He confirmed that I had had some form of heart attack and called for an ambulance to take me to a specialist unit in Nottingham. In the ambulance I was given Morphine that made me wretch again for the third time and I was surprised when they whisked me immediately into a theatre where dyes were injected and the presence of a blocked right heart artery and a narrowed left heart artery were found and both starving the heart of blood. I was given a local anaesthetic and a tube was inserted up an artery in my right arm my and into the narrowed left artery where after some difficulty a ‘stent’ was fitted to open it out. This is a tube made of a special metal that eventually grows into the artery and keeps it open. Once completed the ‘heartburn’ I had been experiencing over the past 5 days subsided and I was instantly feeling better. Dr Nadra, (who was feckin genius by the way), showed me X ray pictures and explained what had been happening. Sometime in the past the right artery supplying the heart had become badly blocked and I had, unbeknown to me, suffered a heart attack, maybe in my sleep sometime in the distant past who knows? The left artery however was able to take over supplying blood to the blocked area of the heart and all was fine until the left artery started to narrow and that’s where the trouble gradually began. It is still to be decided if I’m going to need another op on to unblock the right artery but it’s early days yet. I had heard of the following phenomenon but never thought that the heart itself could be so cunning. Having no pain receptors of its own, the heart uses nearby pain receptors to communicate its distress, even to the point that it could even fake severe heartburn! No wonder the antacids didn’t work, there was no acid reflux there at all, just a fake sensation generated by the heart muscle. Another experience of this phenomenon came when they injected some nitrous fluid into my heart, what I felt instead was cool clear fluid slipping down both sides of my throat! Talking to a nurse later he said that each individual’s heart muscles have their own characteristic preferences for registering sensations. It can be a feeling of pressure in the chest, heartburn, stomach ache, chest pains, back ache, pain in the shoulders and down the arms, and pain in the throat and jaw. The warning signs are that this pain is consistent and cannot be relieved by pain palliative medication or by shifting position etc and you usually feel ill, suffer cold sweats, and sometimes feel dizzy, or collapse. Altogether they kept me in for 4 nights as I was suffering from heart arrhythmias and needed to remain under observation but I’m now back home and feeling much better. The arrhythmias are almost gone now and I’m feeling relieved to be back home where I can heal myself with my own magic arts as well as eat the foods and do the things I know will help to heal me. Captain Squeak, our dominant male cat came straight up to me this morning as I sat down in my chair and he placed his two front paws on my heart and proceeded to give me some serious ‘purr full’ love for quite some time.. I sobbed uncontrollably... the healing has begun! ’ By the way, I haven’t had a drink for 6 nights now and I’ve no intention of ever starting again. Finally found a good reason to stop after 25 years of drinking every night. Miracle of miracles is that both my Liver and Kidneys are in good order, though whether they still will be after all the pills I’ve got to take now is another matter! Got to take it easy now for a few weeks and gradually build up my strength...My heart muscle has been badly damaged and like any muscle it needs time and exercise to stand a chance of building up again. On the bus the other day I saw a sign saying ‘Phoenix Rise’...advertising a new housing development somewhere no doubt... All I can say is ‘Stand back friends and just watch me’!